Thursday, November 14, 2013
A Day in the Life
Friday, November 8, 2013
Keep Your Platitudes to Yourself, Please
"Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal."
I've received some really, really bad advice this week, so let me tell you what NOT to say. Do not tell me that this is God's plan for my life. Do not presume to know what God is thinking. Also, do not tell me that I should just pray about it some more because it will all work out. More than a decade of prayer has been out into this already; at this point, my faith is fairly shattered and it would literally take a miracle for restoration. I don't need to hear that we should look into adoption or fostering or that there's still time. Time is not on our side.
Just be there. Don't give platitudes or unsolicited advice. Just recognize the pain and the grief. With the exception of two people, no one that I know has ever gone through the exact same situation. There is no way you could possibly know what to say; I'd much rather you stay silent than insult me with clichés about God's timing or advice on foster care. Short of giving us a child, there's not a single thing you can say or do. To make it easier, I'll refrain from posting any comments about my bitterness over how I have been devinely failed.
Monday, October 28, 2013
You Truly Have NO Idea
I ask, do you honestly know what all the symptoms are for Fibromyalgia? I doubt it. You probably think it is occasional pain. It is so much more than that. Let me give you a partial list of symptoms (and these are just the ones that affect me; I'm not even listing the symptoms from chronic fatigue, myofascial pain syndrome, generalized anxiety disorder, depression, or insomnia - all things I have been diagnosed with):
- Delayed reactions to physical exertion or stressful events
- Cravings for carbohydrate and chocolate
- Headaches & migraines
- Vision changes, including rapidly worsening vision
- Pain that ranges from mild to severe, and may move around the body
- Morning stiffness
- Muscle twitches
- Allergies
- Mold sensitivity
- Earaches & itchy ears
- Ringing ears (tinitis)
- Light and/or broken sleep pattern with unrefreshing sleep
- Fatigue
- Sleep starts (falling sensations)
- Twitchy muscles at night
- Teeth grinding (bruxism)
- Short-term memory impairment
- Confusion
- Trouble concentrating
- Staring into space before brain "kicks in"
- Sensitivity to odors
- Sensitivity to pressure changes, temperature & humidity
- Sensitivity to light
- Sensitivity to noise
- Panic attacks
- Depression (as an overlapping condition)
- Tendency to cry easily
- Free-floating anxiety (not associated with situation or object)
- Mood swings
- Unaccountable irritability
- Pain that mimics heart attack, frequently from costochondritis (as an overlapping condition)
- Pronounced nail ridges
- Bruising or scarring easily
- Tissue overgrowth (non-cancerous tumors called lipomas, ingrown hairs, heavy and splitting cuticles)
- Reduced ability to get pregnant
Quite a list of symptoms, isn't it? I have friends who complain about the following all the time: allergies, headaches, weight, etc. Why are you allowed to complain about these trivial things and I'm not allowed to complain about something chronic?
If you have allergies, you take a pill and you know that they will go away.
If you have a headache, you take a pill and you know that it will go away.
Break a bone? Have it set and know it will heal.
Overweight? Change your diet and see results.
Out of shape? Exercise and see results.
Fibro? Not a damn thing in the world will help. There is no pill, no doctor, no food, no exercise, no anything that will make it better. The pain is always, always there and it will always, always be there.
I track my pain levels. I chart them daily, along with weather conditions and other external factors (stress, lack of sleep, etc.). I have done this since before I was ever diagnosed with FMS. I can honestly say that for years now, there has not been one single day where I have been free from pain. If you look at the pain scale in the app I use, my pain is never below a 4. Ever. For the past six weeks or so, my pain level has been more consistently around a 7.
0) Pain free
1) Very minor annoyance
2) Minor annoyance
3) Annoying enough to be distracting
4) Can be ignored if you are really involved in something, but still distracting
5) Can't be ignored for more than 30 minutes
6) Can't be ignored for any length of time
7) Makes it difficult to concentrate, interferes with sleep; can function with effort
8) Physical activity severly limited.
9) Unable to speak; crying out or moaning uncontrolably
10) Pain makes you pass out
FMS does not cause depression but you try living in constant pain every second of every day for years and tell me how great your attitude is. That effort that it takes to function at a Level 7 of pain is emotionally and mentally exhausting. So, please, forgive me if my status updates about my life annoy you. Your "things will be brighter tomorrow" crap just pisses me off because I know that you have no idea what I am dealing with. I truly hope you never, ever have to deal with the things I deal with on a daily basis.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
eGADs! I have GAD!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Lesson #1: No TV (and let go of the cat)
- Let the cat out of the closet and come do your work.
- No playing until your lessons are done (okay, maybe I used that one at school).
- Come back in the house and finish your work... and let the cat go.
- No, I won't text your friend's mom to see if your friend can play. Go do your work.
- No, I won't be your secretary and write the answers for you so that you can hold your cat.
- Turn off the television.
Worst.
Grade.
Ever.
That child was so distracted that she missed a dozen questions on greater than and less than (which she knows), and she skipped 33 multiplication problems (the easy ones - you know, multiplying by ones, fives, and tens). Her grade was a big, fat "F." David stopped by to make sure the cable guy knew what all he wanted to have done and he and I decided that we wouldn't say anything until after she finished all of her work for the day. It took the rest of the day to get her work done and it was after dinner before I could talk to her.
Did you hear the wailing from where you are? If you didn't, I'm surprised. I showed her the paper and her grade and I explained that because she had the television on that she was distracted and missed questions that she shouldn't have. I also got on to her about completely skipping over 30 problems just because she didn't want to do them or didn't ask what she needed to do. I told her no television for the rest of tonight and she wailed - sobbing, inconsolable, heart-wrenching, wailing - for over an hour. She threw herself on her bed for a while, retreated to her tree house, shut herself in the guest room, and lay on the couch with pillows over her head, all while crying hysterically. David and I both tried to tell her that she had her punishment and that she had learned her lesson, but she just wouldn't stop crying. I swear, the kid punishes herself so much worse than we ever would (which is why only one night without television is appropriate for her).
She's okay now, but I'm really hoping we don't have another day like this for a while. Those crying jags are rough. I don't know how elementary teachers handle stuff like that. This is definitely not a problem I ever had when teaching in public school. Home school is most definitely an adventure, even for the cat!